Some days being a parent is the most spiritually satisfying event to have ever taken place in your whole goddamn life. And sometimes you just want to take a nap.
I feel you.
Disclaimer: I wrote this piece with a toddler hangover – the morning after the kind of all-nighter that mainly involves futile pleading with a tiny person you made yourself.
23 really annoying things about parenthood:
1. Crying
Your, theirs, everyone’s crying. It can be a real pisser.
2. Judgement
The greater population will never seem MORE interested in you and your choices than when you become a parent. It’s easiest if you just accept that whatever you’re doing it’s wrong and move on.
3. Whinging
Yours, theirs, everyone’s whinging. I call it medicinal whinging as it’s vaguely therapeutic.
4. Head butts
Or face kicks, hair pulling, whatever your toddlers preferred mode of attack is. Get used to it.
5. Mess
It’s everywhere. There’s no escape. Just try to surf the mess-wave as otherwise is will suck you under and you will drown in a vortex of squashed banana, human excrement and rice cakes.
6. Secret eating
All food must be consumed in secret in order to protect it from grabby offspring.
7. Secret phone usage
If they aren’t stealing the food off your dinner plate, or the magazine out of your hands, they’re out to nab your phone. All phone usage invariably relocates to the loo after the babies move in.
8. Open letters of the Dear Mom on the iPhone variety
BLECH. Sometimes you just feel like saying “Piss off, you patronising wagon!” amirite?
9. Stepping on lego barefoot
Is there any pain greater than this? Is there??? I think not.
10. Finally getting everything together, just seconds from leaving the house, when the Child says “Poo”
Is anyone else frequently tempted to just pretend they didn’t hear it and carry on with their day?
11. Silently creeping out of the baby’s room then stepping on a really loud toy
The absolute definition of frustration.
12. Baby socks
At this stage they need to either stay on or f*ck right off.
13. Bananas
No real reason just a bit over them after 2 1/2 years of parenthood.
14. Running out of wine
The absolute worst and it definitely seems to happen more frequently since children occurred.
15. Touching poo
Nearly everyday without fail. I suspect I may be particularly challenged in this department.
16. Getting up in the middle of the night
Over it.
17. Getting up early
Well over it.
18. Annoying kid’s book songs
They make me want to punch myself square in the face.
19. Having a small human climbing on my face
Though I guess it saves me punching myself on the 764th listen of The Wheels on The Bus.
20. Making meals that are constantly rejected for no discernible reason
Soul-destroying, spirit-crushing.
21. They only want to kiss you when there’s snot on their face
I call this a savoury kiss.
22. Perfect parents
Very hard to deal with especially on little to no sleep, luckily they appear to only exist online.
23. Going to the loo with someone on your lap
It’s hard.
Rant over.
If you’re thinking here’s a terrible person right here (and you are at least partly right) allow me to direct you to 17 Little-known Brilliant Things About Parenthood to redeem my whinging…
