In Cop On, a new book for parents, leading child and adolescent psychotherapist and father of three Colman Noctor says we need to teach our children cop on if they are to survive and thrive in today’s world. So what is cop on? And how do we know if our kids have it?
The author describes ‘a copped on child’ as one who has the ability to be rational, resilient and sensible. They have the grit and the good judgement needed to cope with life’s challenges. In this extract, Noctor examines the impact of social media on young minds… and his own.
The Technological Seduction
I was always very smug about my relationship with technology. I am adept at using my iPhone and computer, and I’ve always enjoyed all the little extras that having the world at your fingertips allows. Naturally, I was always of the opinion that I was far too sensible to lose myself to technology, to become dependent on it or to fall for the marketing ploys that suggest just how completely technology can and should rule your life. I chuckled at stories of internet addiction programmes being set up in the USA and China, and I was very much of the opinion that the people who supported these organisations had more money than sense. However, that all changed a couple of years ago when I experienced just how seductive technology can be first-hand, an experience that led me to pursue my doctoral research in this area.
‘Mother and Baby are well’
On 17 September 2012, my daughter was born. I decided to post a photo of her on Facebook alongside a brief status update that indicated the time she was born, what she weighed and the fact that both mother and baby were well. I posted this on my Facebook page because I figured it was easier than sending individual text messages to everybody. I hoped that during this very busy time I would be less likely to be bothered by numerous phone calls enquiring about how we all were; people could reply in texts or comments instead, which I could check in my own time.
Later that day, when I was on a trip back home to fetch some more supplies for my wife and daughter, I got a series of prompts by email to check my Facebook account, as I had received some responses to my earlier posting. I duly logged in, only to find that my post had received 27 likes and 14 comments. I was struck by this and felt quite happy and proud that my daughter had acquired such positive feedback. Feeling validated, I logged out and went about my business.
Later that evening I was prompted again to check Facebook. I now had 39 likes and an impressive 28 comments. I remember feeling that my wife must have given birth to the most beautiful baby in the world to have received such plentiful and positive feedback from all these people. Over the next day, I checked my Facebook page regularly for updates on the number of likes and comments that this beautiful photo – my daughter – had received. About two days later, the number of commenters and likers started to plateau, and it finished with an impressive 79 likes and 54 comments. ‘Facebook fame has arrived’, I thought, feeling quite smug about the whole experience. A day or two later I refreshed the page to see if there had been any stragglers with new likes or comments, but there were none. Nevertheless, I was delighted with the finishing result of 79 likes and 54 comments, all of which were complimentary and pleasant.
That was until two days later, when I realised that I actually had 142 Facebook friends, far more than the 79 who had commented on or liked my post. I wondered why people who had clearly been on Facebook since I had posted my photo, posting status updates and checking in to places, had not liked or commented on my baby daughter’s photo or celebrated our good news. I remember feeling quite suspicious and a tad paranoid about these people. In a moment of madness, I wondered, ‘Do these people not like my child?’
I realised I had been sucked in. I had become preoccupied with the validation that I enjoyed from the initial positive commentary from people, many of whom I would consider only acquaintances. ‘As a man in his mid-thirties who has been through numerous years of personal therapy and would consider himself to be relatively well-adjusted, how did I let this happen to me?’ I thought.
I then considered how a similar situation would have played out if I were a 14-year-old, and how reliant on this feedback for validation and recognition I would have been. It got me thinking about the impact of social networking, technology and all kinds of computer-mediated communication on my life, and it triggered further considerations about similar phenomena in the context of my clinical work.
As a parent, one of the things I struggle to keep on top of the most is managing my relationship with technology. As in all things, I would like to be a good role model, showing my children how to have a reasonable, balanced relationship with technology and the online world. Regulation of our limitless access to technology and information is key.
These days, technology is pervasive in our workplaces, our homes and our children’s school and it has affected how we communicate, not only with our online connections but with our immediate family members and even ourselves. This technological evolution should not be seen as all bad or all good. There are bound to be social casualties as we embrace such a massive movement that stands to impact on our relationships, our expectations and our lives. The rise of computer-mediated communication and internet technologies is simply the largest social experiment the world has ever witnessed, and, although it has not been around long enough for us to be aware of all its effects on our lives, here I will consider some of its most significant effects on our social world and, more specifically, on family life.
This is an extract from Colman Noctor’s new book, Cop On: What it is and why your child needs it to survive and thrive in today’s world, published by Gill & Macmillan and in shops now, priced at €16.99. Cop On is also available to buy on Amazon here.
