How to talk children through the tough times

Sive O'Brien

Difficult times can come unexpectedly in a child’s life, but as parents, how we deal with these issues with our children impacts how they cope. Talking to children about heavy issues like parental separation, death, bullying or sexual abuse can be extremely challenging.

We chatted to Dr Rosaleen McElvaney, a clinical psychologist and lecturer in the School of Nursing and Human Sciences in DCU, who has drawn on her extensive professional experience in tackling these difficult topics. She has penned a wonderful new book on the topic, Finding the Words: Talking children through the tough times and shares with us a snapshot of tips on how to create good channels of communication with our children as an essential aspect of parenting.

1. Know yourself – if there is something you want to talk to your child about that is upsetting for you, make sure you have your own supports, someone to talk to first before you talk with your child about it.

2. Learn to recognise the differences between how you feel about things and how your child feels about these same things.

3. Know your child; each child is different. There is no magic formula about how to talk with children – you are best placed to know how to talk with your child.

4. Learn how to talk with your child by creating a culture within the home whereby you talk about yourself, and you expect them to talk about themselves.

5. Listen to your child – show them you are interested in what they have to say and help them feel really listened to.

6. Listen to what they don’t say as much as what they do say.

7. Look for opportunities to have conversations with your children. Ask them about themselves, about their friends, about how their day went. Even when you get little in return, keep on asking!

8. Sometimes you have to put words on feelings for your children – not all children are good at finding the words, sometimes they need you to do this for them.

9. Children need reassurance that they are okay, that everything is going to be alright. Don’t make promises you cannot keep but tell them what you can tell them.

10. At times of change or disruption, try to keep their lives as stable and secure as you possibly can. This will help you get through the tough times together.

Rosaleen McElvaney is a clinical psychologist and a lecturer in psychotherapy in DCU her new book, Finding the Words: Talking children through the tough times is available here.