Does anyone else ever have those weekends when the other half just completely takes the piss? When you actually wonder if they are setting you up on some hidden camera show and at any moment it will come out that their outrageous behaviour was just a joke to wind you up? But then you realise that it’s not.
This weekend was like that. He started out tame enough with work drinks on the Friday night and escalated to the point where I was about to stage a sit-in protest if he said there was one more rugby match on. I’m told it’s the Rugby World Cup so I can expect little to no help for the foreseeable future.
Disclaimer: I know what a complete b*tch I sound like right now, but what can I say, sometimes you just gotta get your nag on. It’s a form of therapy.
10 times The Man completely dodged parenting this weekend:
1. The Work Drinks
It’s always billed as one or two, isn’t it.
2. The Hangover
He literally stayed in bed until 2pm. When I am feeling delicate, The Man usually gives me max 40 minutes recovery time before I hear them whispering outside the door, “Let’s see what mama’s doing…” and then deposits The Child on my face. I (being the fabulous life partner that I am) took The Child and left the house for his hangover recovery. To my mind, this is the single greatest gift that anyone could ever give to a hungover parent. So how did he repay this act of charity? By continuing to take the piss, that’s how.
3. The Match
After a spell of family time in the park, it was time for The Match. “The Match is on.” Is it just me or is there always a match on?
4. The Forgetting to Buy Wine
It’s pretty unforgivable you’ll agree.
5. Breakfast of Champions (AKA the fast way to make your child DEMENTED)
On the Sunday while I was given a lie in of approximately 25 minutes, The Man was downstairs giving The Child sugar-laced, crack cereal and Nutella on toast for breakfast. This resulted in full-tilt toddler mania, whereby The Man cheerily waved goodbye to head out for an 8 hour round of golf.
6. Golf
Yep hangovers, lie-ins, rugby and now golf. The Man was having the weekend of his life while I fended off the wild sticky advances of a child off his head on sugar. He gets this crazed look in his eyes that is mildly terrifying.
7. Nap time
The Man is crafty. He returned from golf just minutes after I had finally managed to coax The Child into an exhausted post-delirium nap, thus allowing The Man to read the papers for the next two hours. Damn, he’s good.
8. Kickoff
Nap time wrapped up just around the time that yet another match was starting. By this point, I was experiencing a low-level rage that was manifesting in under the breath muttering and very LOUD housework. Loud housework is the best passive-aggressive activity ever – you get your pissy point across while also getting the laundry done AND indulging in a nice bit of martyrdom. Bonus.
9. Going to Bed Early
Yep, I am suuuuper demanding, I know. Sure I was annoyed with him, but I also wanted him around to be annoyed at so typically he went to bed early thus scuppering the evening of one word answers and heavy sighing I’d had planned for him. So not on.
10. The Trail of Destruction
In a final act of dangerous rebellion, he left a cereal bowl UNSTEEPED in the kitchen sink and the clothes he was wearing dumped in a pile for me to trip over in the dark on the way to bed. This is pretty much how I felt at this point…
