Lots of people tell you lots of interesting facts and tips when you’re pregnant, but, as anyone who has given birth knows, they’re not exactly giving you the entire story.
Many mums quite rightly see no reason to trouble a pregnant mate with the nitty gritty of the delivery room, but one mum blogger is being applauded for her hilariously honest list of ’20 Things To Know When You’ve Just Pushed Out A Baby’, which has been shared more than 67,000 times on Facebook.
Bekki Pope, from Hertfordshire in the UK, writes under the name Mummy Mumbles. These are just a few of the things she wants you to know about childbirth:
“1. The after pains. Pain. After. Who knew? When God designed women to give birth, he well and truly screwed us over….
2. Your first wee. Take a jug with you and pour it over your bits like you’re trying to be a star in some very disturbing porno. It helps.
3.. Your first poo. Do not panic. You are not having another baby. It just feels that way. But just remember the size of the thing you pushed out of the front bit, and the prospect of pushing out what’s in the back bit won’t be quite so daunting. Your bum is not falling out. Or it might be. If you have piles. Which you probably do…
4. Your baby looks weird. Like… Really weird. ‘Oh how cute/such a beautiful baby’ etc will be said at you and you’ll accept other people’s opinions, but to you it looks like a hairless slightly purple old grandad with dried blood and skin stuck to its wrinkly face.
5. Their downstairs bits are ridiculous. You will worry about the impact they will have on their lives should they stay like that. Boys little nuggets are the size of whole walnut whips, but their willies are the size of the walnuts on the top that nobody wants. Apparently this ‘swelling’ goes down soon.”
Other brilliant observations include “Your first shower will be like a scene from Carrie” and “Countless midwives will come and talk to you about how fertile you are and how likely you are to become pregnant again. They do however forget one crucial thing- you’re never having sex again.”
Read the full list on Bekki’s Facebook page here, if you dare…
What are the things you wish you’d known about childbirth? Share them with us on Twitter @HerFamilydotie.
Main image: Bekki Pope/Facebook
